Love… I’m really having hard time writing about love. I was never really good at expressing my feelings. I was never even good at showing it. Minsan pag may problem ako, tahimik lang ako. Sabi nga ni mama, talo ko pa ang bata, kahit di pa nakakapagsalita, umiiyak kapag nagugutom or basa na ang diaper. Pero ako, dinadaan ko lang sa tulog ang problems ko. If she only knows, I’m not really sleeping. I tend to pretend that I’m sleeping the whole day when in fact I am just in deep silence. I will die young, I know, because I don’t have outlets for my grief. I laugh to hide the pains, I smile even in despair.
Love has been so cruel to me since the first day I felt it. Maybe this is just the way I see it, they said our fate lies in our hands. I’ve had few failed relationships in the past, and it is still counting. If I say it’s my entire fault, does it mean I’m not good at having relationships?
I met Liezl when I was 14. She’s not a typical pretty girl that young boys will irk around. She’s dark, kinky hairs; my mama said she’s morena (perhaps that’s just her way of telling me she’s dark but pretty). At first, I was meeting her at the canteen during my break times or in between my subjects. I would always catch her staring at me, but I just consider it incidents. Then we became friends, she would always offer me pancit or spaghetti. That was so sweet. My classmates kept on bullying us around until I finally realized our friendship has gone somewhere else. I started going to her house on Sundays, picking her up for a river-date. We were young so I guess we weren’t aware yet what a relationship really was. One time, when we were inside a church, she asked me, would you marry me when we grow old? I suddenly felt different. I know my answer could be yes, but something inside just prevented me to say so. But I loved her.
I was already in third year of college when we broke up. She called me to ask for a cool-off and she never called again. I should have called her to clarify everything but I guess I was just a coward to do it, simply because I know I’ve already lost her. She didn’t want me to leave then, she wished we could go to the same school in college but I still left and enrolled in
I moved on, not easily but I’ve made it. It’s when Liezl left me when I’ve found another part of myself that all along, I never knew, was just waiting for me to recognize it. I discovered what I have become now.
I have had G-Bal; he knew how much I devoted myself to him. I moved mountains to be with him. I loved him, I doubt if he loved me back just the same. We ended up as friends and that I guess lighten up the damage he made. We still see each other once in a while, whenever I go to the province to visit my father, I see to it that I also visit him. What’s good about our failed relationship is that it opened to a much stronger relationship, a special friendship which requires no commitment, no boundaries, just friendship. It still hurts, I must admit. The last time I was with him, we were with his current partner. He said he’s happy. I envy their almost perfect relationship. I envy his partner’s part; I can’t help but wish I was him. That last time we were together, I completely felt lost, naguluhan ako bigla. I ended up finding the reason why we didn’t made it. May kulang ba sa ‘kin? Was it my age (I was only 19 then and he’s 26) or it was just the wrong time?
Dumating si Don, umalis din kaagad. Parang bagyo lang, he dropped by to devastate my peace of mind (naks…) We were so in love (that time). He would even shout to the whole world how much he loves me (pag lasing lang). Nangarap din kaming magpakasal. He said he’ll work in the states and will bring me there pag stable na siya. It took him fifteen months to realize that I’m not the right person… (puta!). Sa totoo lang, from all those failed relationships I’ve had, ito yung pinakamasakit. Ito yung iniyakan ko talaga ng one week. Siya lang yung hinanap-hanap ko. Sa kanya lang ako nagmakaawa ng sobra para lang balikan ako. In short, sa kanya lang ako nagging tanga. Pero napaka-ironic ng reason kung bakit siya yung pinakamasakit kong sugat. Kami lang ang nakakaalam…
Nasa listahan din si Razz, flight attendant na siya somewhere, for sure nakarating na siya sa rainbow… Almost one month lang kami nito. I asked him from the very start if he loves me, he just said “If I don’t love you, I wouldn’t kiss you back when you kiss me the first time we met.” When we met, he’s already good to go for abroad. We only have few days to spend together. He hates it whenever I ask him about his leaving. I don’t really understand why until he left. He left without any notice. Kumbaga sa employment, AWOL. Wala man lang grace period. Let’s say we went out for a date last night, it was his birthday and I prepared some surprise stuffs and pakulo to make him happy. I asked my singer friend to call him and sing to him his favorite song. He was really happy that we almost have tough time calling it a day. Then when I wake up today, I received a text from him telling me our relationship has just ended. He’s freakingly unpredictable. I tried to talk to him but he didn’t hold back. He’s firm, I guess he don’t love the idea of having someone waiting for him while he’s away.
Si Liezl, G-Bal, Don, and Razz, ilan lang sila sa mga taong maituturing kong nag-iwan ng kani-kanilang marka sa buhay ko. Minsan natatanong ko sa sarili ko kung natuto na ba ako? Wala naman akong makuhang sagot.
Di naman kasi inaaral ang pagmamahal. At hindi rin natin pwedeng idikta sa mga mahal natin kung paano nila tayo dapat mahalin.
Love is like a river talaga, not because it flows down through your veins, but because if it chooses to go, you can’t help but witness it flow where it desires to go, seemingly endless. The more na pipigilan mo ‘tong umalis, the more it increases the current until it pours.
Love is like the sun din, not because it lights up your whole world, but because it doesn’t give an assurance to shine at all time. Sometimes it hides behind the dark clouds. And it rains when he starts to hide.
Now I am, for the infinite time, again in a crazy mode of being in love. Yes, crazy. But this time, the river is flowing free and wild. The sun shines, if it rains, I know he’ll come back another day.
Now I finally realized why lovers would always wish time stops while they are in each others arms.
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